An unsaid farewell
by GrisselTVXQ
Summary: Spencer Reid's two biggest fears come true, but he cannot tell.


**N/A:** My first Criminal Minds fanfic, yaaay.

Again, this is dedicated to my mom because she loves the show and we both fangirl together, but as I said in my other fic, she will never know that I fantasize about Reid and Morgan getting together (especially because she says that I'm in love with Morgan, which is possibly very true).

Please, tell me what you think!

"_I am tired now, and love hurts but,_

_Even if that time is just a memory,_

_I have to give my final greeting;_

_I love you."_

_**Insa, Kim Jaejoong from TVXQ**_

_**one**_

The day Reid was ordered by Hotch to stay at the bullpen, he did not think anything out of it. He had to stay at the office to sort a math puzzle that their latest unsub had given them in order to find a bomb and deactivate it. If he was completely honest, he did not believe that that day would be any different from other days. His team was the best in the States, they would find the unsub and put him in jail in no time. How arrogant he had been.

"We caught him," JJ told him over the phone, with a voice darker than usual and a silent sigh at the end of her sentence. He assumed she was just exhausted. It had been a tough case, the bomb squad had deactivated the bomb after he indicated them where exactly it was hidden, but had they arrived twenty minutes later and a whole hospital would have flown. Everything had gone out well and he was very satisfied with his work. "Spence, Hotch wants you to stay at the bullpen until we're there. I know it's late but it is very necessary." He just said 'okay' and hung up, getting up to pour himself a cup of coffee. He tried to think what could be so urgent, but well, it wasn't as if this had never happened before. Maybe Hotchner needed to talk about some of the failures they had during the process. Yes, that would make sense.

The team arrived at exactly 2:34 a.m., all of them looking weary, he did not think he had imagined that JJ's eyes were a bit swollen and red. Morgan wasn't with them, but he shrugged this off, thinking that he might be feeling tired and just headed home. Maybe Hotch already talked to him.

"Look, Spence, sit down," JJ said, with her tender motherly voice, Reid did as he was told. She looked at his wide eyes and suddenly, she turned around, giving her back to him, "I can't tell him. Please, someone else do it." She sat down, very far from Reid and hid her face in the palm of her right hand, her shoulders began to shake quietly. Reid was able to hear his own heart pounding hard in his throat.

"What, what's going on?"

"Reid, you need to stay calm, okay?" Prentiss kneeled in front of him, putting her hands on his lap and looking him in the eyes. She took a hand to his cheek and caressed it kindly, but she didn't feel brave enough to tell him what he needed to hear.

Hotch was the one who spoke, not wanting to put the responsibility on any of his team members' shoulders, "Morgan's dead."

At first he laughed, what kind of unfunny joke! He knew Morgan and he was probably hiding somewhere and was ready to burst out and make fun of him and his horrified face. But then, two minutes and thirty seconds passed, and Morgan did not come out laughing, and his friends were not laughing, and JJ was crying and so was Garcia, who had just entered the room. And in all his knowledge, he was not capable to understand. His eyes grew wide and he opened his mouth to say something but the words refused to come out. He looked at Rossi, begging him to tell him that it was all a lie, but the man looked away. Then he looked at Prentiss, and she was hugging JJ. Then he turned to Hotch, and his world fell when the team leader closed his eyes and shook his head. He suddenly felt nauseous and his knees went weak, the world seemed to spin too quickly in that moment. Garcia's arms wrapped him then, and that was when he realized it; Derek was dead. He let out a choked sob, "No, no, no, _no_," he repeated twice, thrice, countless times, and clutched part of the fabric of Garcia's shirt. And then he cried, the sound too loud in the sacred silence of the round table room, "Derek's gone," he said in a muffled voice against Garcia's shoulder, the woman's bright blouse wet with his tears and saliva.

None of them left until two hours later, when he stopped crying and fell asleep.

_**two**_

"Hey," lost deeply in his dreams, he heard a kind voice calling, "hey, Spencer, wake up," when he felt a pair of hands shaking him lightly, he opened his eyes. It was a bit hard at first, his lids were too heavy. He focused his eyes after a moment, and found the gentle smile of Morgan in front of him. He blinked twice, confused.

"What, what happened?" He asked, voice sore with sleep.

"You were having a nightmare."

"Oh," he sat then, rubbing the sleep off his eyes, he looked around, confused to see the tall racks of books that he was sure weren't in his room, and noticed that he had fallen asleep on the couch. His mind was fogged and he did not seem to remember anything.

"What was your nightmare about?" Morgan asked, with a worried expression on his face. His eyes so honest and his voice so kind.

"I," he was looking for the words he wanted to voice, but he was still a bit disturbed and couldn't come up with any coherent sentence, "you – I…" The other man handed him a glass of water, which he accepted. He drank all its content and sighed. "I dreamed that you were killed." He finally said in one breath, blushing a little at his confession. Morgan smiled that gentle smile of his, and Reid was so _so_ thankful he could see it again.

"Silly," he said, ruffling the other's hair affectionately, "I only got a small wound."

"Right," Reid was still too confused to even say how happy, and relieved and grateful he was that it was all just an ugly dream.

"C'mon, pretty boy, let's have breakfast."

_**three**_

It took him two hours to fall into deep slumber, two hours and eight minutes. The whole team watched as he paced around the office, sometimes pulling at his own hair and muttering incoherent phrases. He suddenly looked ten years older.

_How did it happen?_ He asked over and over, but refused to hear any answer every time anyone offered to explain. He said that it was nonsense.

True. Nothing made sense.

JJ tried to tell him that he was going to be okay, but her own voice broke. Rossi intended on giving his shoulder a comforting squeeze, but he would not let anyone touch him.

Prentiss poured coffee into a cup and handed it to him, but his hands were shaking and he wasn't able to hold it, it fell and shattered in the floor. The loud sound startled him and he flinched.

Hotch just stared.

All of a sudden, he dropped himself to the floor, hugging his knees. Garcia immediately rushed to hug him, very _very_ tightly. She rocked him back and forth, whispering in his ear that Morgan was a hero and that he was not alone. He would not listen.

After a while, he relaxed under the protective embrace of his friend and fell asleep.

"Is he asleep?" Prentiss asked in a whisper, Garcia only nodded, scared of voicing her response because that could wake the man up.

"I'll take him home." Hotch announced, while carefully taking Reid on his back, with the help of Garcia and Rossi. "All of you go home and rest."

JJ and Garcia were about to protest, both of them very worried and aware that Hotch was exhausted, but he interrupted them before they could even begin. It had been a hard day for all of them, and after losing one member, he wanted to make sure the others were okay.

Just like he said, he took Reid home. The man was in deep sleep and only woke up when they were already at his apartment, but he only stared at Hotch with narrowed eyes and fell back asleep on the couch. Hotch took a last glance at Reid and left.

_**four**_

"What are you doing here?" Reid asked as he stepped into his kitchen and saw Morgan in front of the counter, preparing toast with eggs and bacon, a pot of coffee on the stove.

"Don't you remember?" Morgan furrowed his eyebrows and looked at the other skeptically, Reid shook his head. "You told me to stay over after what happened, I wanted to refuse because it was nothing serious but then Garcia used her convincing super powers on me so I couldn't say no."

"Oh," he mouthed, "I should get to work then, it's already eight."

"But, kid, you really don't remember a thing?" Reid looked down, guiltily. "You're using six of your sick days."

"Am I?" Morgan just nodded and put the two plates with their meals on the small table. Reid found it strange; he never used his sick days unless he was severely injured.

"Are you still upset?" Morgan asked, carefully examining the youngest man's features.

"No, no. I'm just trying to process everything." Reid sighed, grabbing a fork and picking on his food. Then he shut his eyes, shaking his head a little. Finally, he looked up at Morgan, smiling. "But that doesn't matter anymore. I am glad it was only a nightmare and..." He lowered his voice to say the next words, slightly embarrassed, "that you're here." The oldest man just smiled back at him.

They ate breakfast quietly, talking about random topics and just enjoying each other's company.

_**five**_

They got out for a walk around the park two streets down. Both of them walked side by side, the view around them making Reid feel at total ease. It was an autumn day, and the place was a large palette of oranges, yellows and reds. The breeze was soft and chilly, letting them know that winter was coming close. They sat on a wooden bench, right under a pomegranate tree. Shoulder to shoulder, they spent half an hour just sitting quietly, enjoying the lovely morning.

A light bell rang in the distance, and the youngest man's ears perked up. He looked around and realized that it was an ice cream trunk that had pulled over a few meters from their spot, a small group of kids running towards it.

"Do you want ice cream?" Morgan asked, voice calm and low. Reid only nodded and the other grinned. The FBI agent stood up and half jogged to the pink trunk. He watched him wait patiently for two kids who were trying to pick a flavor.

Looking at him as he smiled at a little girl and ruffled a little boy's hair, it was so easy to breathe.

"I think Ivan Pavlov would be a very good name for an ice cream trunks chain," Reid said as Morgan came back with two chocolate cornets in his hands. "I feel like one of his dogs whenever I hear those bells."

"But I don't see you salivating." Morgan joked, sitting next to his friend. Reid chuckled, accepting the ice cream from the other's hand. He tried to ignore how warm the brush of the other's fingers felt against his own.

According to some statistics from a women magazine that Emily was reading last month, most people liked winter or summer better, but autumn was definitely Reid's favorite season. Be it the soft sound the dry leaves made when he stepped on them, or be it the relaxing and a bit romantic aura that flew through the air, he did not know, but he loved it. And maybe, just maybe, Morgan's presence was an important reason too.

_**six**_

They watched half terrified and half mesmerized as their youngest friend stopped in his tracks and fell to the floor, as if suddenly his body was ten times heavier and he didn't have the strength to stand on his feet any longer.

"Baby, I need you to listen to me, okay?" Garcia told him after pulling him into an embrace, gathering all the willpower she didn't have at the moment to keep her voice steady. "Our friend saved a girl today, he is a hero and we should be proud of him."

"That doesn't make sense," he said as he shook his head, his voice broken and his lips trembling. His eyes were squeezed shut, trying to ignore the reality playing before him. "That doesn't make sense." He repeated, and he repeated it fifteen times more before the technical analyst managed to calm him down and he fell asleep.

_**seven**_

They came back to Reid's place at five in the evening, with Chinese takeout in their hands. Morgan went to the bathroom and he sat down on the couch, remembering everything they'd done during the day. After spending two hours in the park, just talking and watching people pass by, they stopped at a small restaurant to have lunch. Both of them ordered chicken with onion soup.

"What was exactly, no, what exactly happened?" Reid suddenly asked, just a couple of seconds after having finished a very heated conversation about who was better between Batman, Spiderman and Superman. Morgan looked up from his plate and left his fork on the table, he seemed to have lost the appetite.

"Since we were running out of time, we did not know if the bomb squad was going to be able to deactivate the bomb," he said, "so we were evacuating everyone from the hospital, ambulances were coming and going and there were too many people to be taken care of." Reid paid total attention, asking himself why no one had told him this before. "A young woman came up to me, she was yelling that her daughter was still inside, that the unsub had caught her. Everyone was too busy to pay attention to her. That's why I asked Prentiss to keep her calm while I went inside and looked for her daughter.

"Pretty much, the unsub did have her. I thought that I had convinced him to give me the girl, so when I got close to him, he threw the girl to the floor and stabbed me. I shot him and he died in the spot, then Prentiss appeared with Hotch, and I was taken to the hospital. The wound wasn't even deep because of the vest. He was very dumb, if you ask me."

"You're a hero." Reid said with sincerity, his eyes flickered with something close to gratitude. Morgan frowned.

With their tummies filled, they left the restaurant and kept walking around the streets aimlessly. Looking at all the people, and all the stores and all the trees and all the buildings, they somehow ended up playing 'I spot'.

"I spot, I spot," Reid said in a sing-song voice, looking around for something that would catch his attention, "paradise!" He exclaimed, smirking widely.

"Paradise? C'mon, how am I supposed to know whatever you call paradise?" Morgan complained, "it must be a place, I guess." Then he opened his mouth as in realization and looked around, spotting the place that Reid had chosen, satisfied. He pointed at a small old bookstore. "There."

"See? It was easy." He half laughed. "Your turn."

"I spot," Morgan watched their surroundings for a second until his gaze fell upon Reid, he smiled softly, "the prettiest boy around here."

"W-well, that-that depends on your standards and what exactly you-you consider 'pretty' and-and," he stuttered a bit and Morgan chuckled, shaking his head.

"You know what I mean, _pretty_ boy." The oldest agent said and a bright shade of red took over Reid's cheeks. He was about to say something but then they passed a bunch of kids who were playing baseball and Morgan's attention was caught immediately, they decided to stop and watch.

"What if we watch a movie?" Morgan's voice took him out of his thoughts and he flinched a little, slightly taken aback. He was placing all the Chinese food boxes over the small round table that was between the large sofa and the TV set.

"I'll love that." He said, excited. How long had it been since they last watched a movie together? Of course, they had gone to the movies a couple of times in the last months, but it had always been with the girls, he missed the intimacy of being only the two of them and not having to share the other's attention. He felt selfish, but he couldn't help it.

"But last time, we watched Star Trek, so now it's my turn to pick!" Morgan demanded, to which Reid only rolled his eyes but couldn't help giving in. During all the day, he had been feeling so incredibly content just by being by his side, just by knowing that he was close to him, right next to him. He could feel his light breathing pattern, and smell his masculine cologne; that was all the reassurance he needed. He wanted this to last forever. That was the only thing he truly wanted; to enjoy the small things of life with the company of the man that had so easily become a part of him for the rest of time.

He closely watched as the other man went through the stack of DVDs, examining each case –and frowning at most of them. After around five minutes, he finally picked a movie, _A Millionaire's First Love._

The agent put the disc on the player, pressed 'play' and sat down next to Reid on the couch. He allowed himself to get closer to the other, until their thighs and shoulders were touching. Then, all too suddenly, Morgan wrapped his arm around his shoulders and pulled him even closer.

The youngest man relaxed under the touch and focused his attention on the Korean film.

No, Morgan did not leave, because that would make no sense.

_**eight**_

At the end of the movie, none of them would admit it but they ended up shedding a couple of tears. It had been a beautiful but tragic love story, and the melancholic background music did not help at all. As he looked up to Morgan, Reid wondered how that would feel; to love someone so badly and have them taken away so suddenly and unexpectedly. For the first time, that was a knowledge he did not want to posses. He felt a lump in his throat as a foreign fear overcame him, so he unconsciously reached for Morgan's hand and squeezed it hard. They stayed like that for thirteen minutes and six seconds, Reid counted.

But the peaceful silence of the living room was broken by his phone ringing. He reluctantly got up from his spot and walked up to the table where the phone was placed on.

"Hello?" He answered the call, a bit disappointed because he would have liked to stay under Morgan's embrace a little longer.

"Hi, baby!" It was Garcia who was calling, her voice kind and sweet as ever, "I was calling just to know how you've been."

"Fine," he answered, furrowing his eyebrows a bit, "it is not like it's been that long since you saw me."

"I know, I know, sorry" she apologized, he did not understand why.

"It's Garcia," Reid said to Morgan, who was curious as to who he was talking to. Garcia made a confused face.

"Who are you talking to?" She asked.

"Morgan," he said, matter-of-factly. Her jaw tightened a bit and she gripped the phone harder, "he says that he misses his baby girl."

"Spencer, sweetheart," she made a long pause and Reid wondered why she was acting so oddly, "have you been, by any chance, drinking?"

"W-what? Why would I do that?" He sounded genuinely surprised and maybe a bit offended so she scratched the possibility. Furthermore, his voice didn't sound slurred, but to her, that seemed to be the only logical explanation.

"Nothing," she sighed heavily, concern drawn sharply on her pretty features, "look, Hotch and the others will be back from a case in Aberdeen tonight, can we drop by tomorrow so we can have lunch together? I'll bring you cookies."

"Sure," he smiled, he would love to see his friends. He only saw them three days ago, but for some reason, it felt like an eternity. "But don't dare forget the cookies!"

"Pinky promise," she tried to sound cheerful, but it was a failed attempt, "please rest." She said before hanging up. Reid frowned slightly, replaying the whole conversation in his head and finding it utterly strange. She was tense, and nervous and her voice sounded a bit watery. But whatever it was, he would find out tomorrow, so he shrugged his concern off and got back to his spot by Morgan's side.

_**nine**_

The next day, all the team arrived together at Reid's apartment at twelve and fifty. They looked at each other, all of them wearing apprehensive facial expressions. Garcia sighed, and knocked on the door. At first there was no response but, at the second time, Reid opened the door.

"Hi!" He greeted them, with a wide smile and tired eyes. They eyed him carefully, he looked paler than ever, and there were huge dark bags under his eyes. It seemed that he hadn't shaved in a week and his hair was messy and greasy.

"Hello, Spence." JJ said, quietly. Then, they entered and the apartment was in an even worse state; there were books scattered around the place, and so were the pieces of a shattered lamp. There were boxes of Chinese takeout piled over the table and by the couch. The DVDs were also out of their place, and the chess pieces were on the floor. It was dark and the curtains were closed, only a small ray of sunlight flooded throughout the flat.

"We brought lasagna, Dave made it."

"What about my cookies?"

"Couldn't forget them!" Garcia said as she held up a bag of chocolate chips cookies, he immediately snatched them away from her hands. At least, something hasn't changed, she thought. Rossi and Hotch dragged two chairs from the chess table while the girls sat down on the couch with Reid. "You know, we actually wanted to talk about something that you told me yesterday." Though they had agreed that they would eat before actually talking to him, Garcia couldn't stand being quiet any longer.

"Oh, yeah," Reid said as he chewed on a cookie, he swallowed and continued talking, "Derek misses you a lot, but he misses the whole team too, so don't be jealous. But he's sleeping in my bedroom right now. I've been sleeping in the couch these last few days because he needs to be more comfortable." They all exchanged equally worried looks.

"It's one in the afternoon, Spencer, why would he still be sleeping?" Prentiss asked, cautious.

"He is injured, I guess he's extra tired." He responded, casually.

"O-okay." She looked at Hotch and the man scrubbed his face, but he nodded.

"Look, Spencer, I know it has been hard," she put a hand on his thigh while JJ took his hand, "but you don't have to do all this." They had worked as profilers for so many years, yet now, they were clueless as to what they should do or say.

"I, what exactly am I doing?" He furrowed his eyebrows, looking at them suspiciously and removing his hand from JJ's.

"Morgan died two weeks ago, Spencer." It had been hard telling him the first time, the second time felt like a sharp knife being dug into their very hearts. Garcia cupped his face and watched as his expression went from tired and relaxed to terrified and bewildered.

"What are you saying? That's a lie! He's in my room!" Reid stood up, and walked hurriedly to his bedroom, the team followed him. He opened the door and found the room empty. The bed was made and there was no one in there; it was intact. "Derek! Where are you?" He was starting to panic, as he went to the bathroom and there wasn't anyone there either. He sat on the bed, trying to come up with a logical explanation as to why Morgan wasn't there. Maybe he went out for a jog, yes, that must be it.

"Sweetie," Garcia cupped his face, once again forcing him to look straight into her eyes, "that night, when they were evacuating people from the hospital, a nurse told Hotch that all the patients had been evacuated but a teen girl and another nurse were missing. In that moment, the nurse came out running from inside the hospital. She screamed that the unsub had a girl, that he was going to kill her. So, Hotch, Prentiss and Morgan went inside. The unsub ordered them to take off their vests and leave their guns on the floor or else, he would kill the girl. They did as they were told as they continued to talk to him to make him surrender." Reid shook his head in disbelief, this version of the story was totally different from what Morgan had told him, it was a lie! Garcia was lying, all of them were liars. "When it seemed that he had given up, he pushed the girl towards Morgan and Prentiss. But then he aimed his gun at the girl and Morgan realized it, so he quickly covered her with his own body and the unsub shot him twice, until Hotch shot him too."

Everything fell apart right then, as he realized everything. It all came down to him so quickly that he suddenly felt dizzy. He had never, in any day of those two weeks, left the apartment. He had never gotten out with Morgan, they hadn't eaten breakfast together, he had never watched _A Millionaire's First Love_ wrapped by Morgan's arms. It had all been a product of his imagination. He had lived all these things inside of his mind, but actually, he had always been there, sitting on the couch and looking at a reality beyond his.

"That doesn't make sense," he sobbed, shaking his head frantically.

"Why, Spencer?" It was Hotch who made the question, curious as to why he would not stop saying that since that night in the bullpen.

"Because I never got to tell him that I love him."

_**ten**_

He woke up to the sound of the door opening and the keys being thrown to a table, looking at the clock that was hanging on one of the walls he realized that it was past five. Scrubbing his face with both hands, he turned to the direction of the door and found Morgan with two paper bags in his hands.

"Hello, sleepy beauty," he said, smirking.

"Where- where were you, Derek?!" He hadn't meant to sound so utterly desperate, but that was how it came out. His voice a couple of octaves higher and his lips were trembling. His eyes glistened with worry and tremor.

"Hey, hey, pretty boy, what's wrong?" Morgan hurriedly got to the spot next to Reid, worried by the other's sudden outburst. "I went to my house to check on Clooney, and after that, I stopped at the grocery store to buy a few things because your fridge is almost empty. Sorry for not telling you, I didn't want to wake you up."

"Garcia and the others came over," Reid answered, steadying his voice again, "they wanted to see you."

"I forgot, sorry."

"Rossi made lasagna, they also said that they couldn't wait until we get back to work." He said but he wouldn't meet the other's gaze, he had a frown on his face and he looked troubled.

"Okay, so when are you gonna tell me why you're so upset?" Reid looked surprised at first, but then his features relaxed as he surrendered.

"It is just that I had another nightmare, and-and, not seeing you here made me think that it was real." He confessed, fear clear as water in his tone. He took both of his hand to Morgan's cheeks, caressing him and making sure that what he was touching was real. Morgan placed his own hands above Reid's and intertwined their fingers.

"I'll never leave you." He said, as he leaned forward and kissed him tenderly. It was soft and gentle, and Reid had never been so happy before. When they parted, both of them giggled in delight; it took them long enough to realize each other's feelings.

"I love you." Reid whispered against Morgan's mouth.

"I love you, too."

_Fin_.


End file.
